Puzzles n' Shit: The Indelible Melting Cowboy's Western Weird Search

If you solve this puzzle, and are a sexy-type-girl-woman person, over the age of 18, send your solution to nmoose@kent.edu. You could be entered into a drawing to win a FREE FULL BODY MASSAGE FROM NICK MOOSE HIMSELF!*    Play often! Infinite chances to win!
*Offer void for girls whose boyfriends could beat me up.

Power Profile: Sateena De Sade!

           
                Alias: Sadie Desmond
               Age: 17
               Occupation: Heiress
               Origin: As an extension of his many perversions, the notorious Marquis De Sade had become interested in studying demonology in the early 1800s.  Through a mystical spell, he managed to transform himself into a part-human, part-demonic being or "demonoid."  However, because of a loop-hole in the spell, De Sade was then forced to work for the Devil, doing his dirty work on earth. Being an egomaniac, he eventually grew tired of serving his evil master and rebelled against him. Because of this, the devil imprisoned him in a cell in hell. But, many years later, by using another spell, De Sade managed to return to earth, briefly, in the modern United States. While there, De Sade made a deal with the Desmonds, a wealthy and famous couple who were in the process of going bankrupt. Using his demonoid powers, De Sade magically restored their financial status, on the condition that Catrina Desmond carry  his child. The baby, when born, would also be a demonoid. Before being transported back to hell, he gave her the name Sateena (to piss off the Devil) and left the family with weaponry capable of hurting and destroying other demonic beings and instructions for the girl to follow.  Once she became old enough, she was to use her weapons and powers to battle the devil's other earthbound demonoid forces. To the world at large, she appears as Sadie Desmond, party animal and promiscuous heiress, but when demonic forces threaten, she becomes Sateena De Sade, the baddest bad girl fighting for the forces of good!
Powers, abilities and weaponry: Sateena has the powers of other demonoids, like increased strength,the ability to use magic and produce fire. But these powers can't hurt other demonic beings. For that, she must use the weapons that her father stole from hell to give to her:The Tri-fork Blaster , a pitchfork shaped laser that can emit special anti-demon fire and other magical blasts, and the Whip of Woe,which she can crack to injure her enemies.
Weaknesses:Though she isn't evil herself, the fact that she is a demonic being(and the daughter of the Marquis De Sade) makes Sateena susceptible to certain evil impulses. She has streaks of sadism and the desire to torture along with perverse sexual cravings. She must control all this, to keep herself from crossing the line from good to bad.
Favorite kind of cake: Devil's food...get it!?
Favorite kind of ham: Honey Baked ( You thought I was going to say Deviled didn't you?)

 

A Public Service Service Comic with Rock N' Roll Porpoise Man

Power Profile: Frankenspy and Hunchbat!

Real name: Frank Feinman 

Occupation: Secret agent

Age: Frankenspy: 30. Hunchbat:Unknown

Origin: Agent Frank Feinman was a member of a secret government organization attempting to take down a  terrorist group  headed by Maximilian Shreek, a notorious vampire criminal.  Frank was caught spying, and was torn limb from limb by a vicious monster, but,  Hunch Bat, Shreek's diminutive half bat, half hunchback henchman, was actually a double agent. He secretly smuggled Frank's body parts back to the U.S Government, where they were reassembled by none other than Dr. Victor Frankenstein! Frankenstein, at this point, was just a disembodied brain, in a tank of water and chemicals, hooked up to a machine. He had been incarcerated by the Government for having created too many monsters. Now, to pay his debt to society, he was helping with the effort against  monster-related crime. He could still create creatures by using his brain to power robotic arms to build them. When he reassembled  Frank,he gave him the ability to transform from a beastly green "Frankenform" into a regular looking person. Now, a "Frankenspy,"  and with Hunchbat by his side,  Frank will be the ultimate weapon against Maximilian Shreek and his monster mob!

Powers, abilities and weaponry: Frank has the ability to morph from his "Frankenform" to his human form by pushing the bolt on his temple, (hidden by a wig when he is in human form) In his Frankenform he has monster strength and his head antenna can broadcast mental messages  to Dr. Frankenstein and Hunchbat. He can also remove limbs, and replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, battle axes, laser rifles, etc. These attachments are often flown to him by Hunch Bat. When he removes his hand to replace it with a weapon, the hand can move on it's own and assist Frank, due to an extra mini-brain Dr. Frankenstein put in it.

Weaknesses: much like the original Franenstein monster, Frankenspy hates fire.

Least Favorite Type of Yogurt: Yoplait

Favorite Golden Girl: Dorothy (but he still hates that scene in the Star Wars Christmas Special with Bea Arthur)

The Moose Seal

The Moose Comics Seal of Freshness is on the front of every  issue of all Moose Comics brand adventure strip magazines. When you see it, you know sexy action, adventure, mild nudity swear words, and comical violence are in store.Unlike other comic companies that don't care about you, we (well..me)at Moose Comics, want you to have fun. So, remember, always look for the seal, and you'll know it's a Moose.

Power Profile: Prime Eve!

Real Name: Eve McCavea 

Age: 20

Occupation: Student, Cryptozoologist

Origin: On an expedition to Gargantuland, a legendary  island where dinosaurs still live,  Cryptozoology student Eva McCavea disovered a magic stone  containing the spirit of her ancient ancestor, a courageous cave woman. Her ancestor had slain an evil wizard, using the stone as the tip of her spear. Upon coming into contact with the stone, Eve’s  essense fused with the spirit of her ancestor's, transforming her into a super-powered prehistoric cave woman. The Troggs, a race of sasquatch-like humanoids, had foreseen  this occurrence, and grafted the stone back onto the original spear. But the evil Wizard, Volconor, whom her ancestor had originally vanquished, had also risen again. With the power to raise dead dinosaurs, and control living ones, his goal was to take over the world! Now, whenever Volconor threatens, Eve must grasp the spear and transform into her spirit powered prime evil self to save the modern world from a dino-pocolypse!

 Powers, abilities and weaponry: Eve wears a watch which can be used to communicate with the Troggs. When she says "it's Prime Time" into the watch, they use their technology to transport the spear to her wherever she is so she can transform. The magic spear gives her spirit energy, and makes her strong and able to fly. The spear/stone also projects rays, and force fields, which she can use to transport living dinosaurs back to Gargantuland where they can live safely. 

Weaknesses: If she is too far away from the spear/stone she transforms back into regular Eve.

Least favorite type of yogurt: Dannon

Favorite Golden Girl: Sophia (because she is the oldest.)